Not her fault...

But perhaps mine... I hate myself...

MY WORLD JUST CRASHED~

hai...

I now keep on having mix feelings...

If Xiang de tong, I could sleep at ease, carry on with my daily life....

If xiang bu tong, I could not sleep, will be sad and no appetite lol...

I think I know... yet it is just thoughts...

I think I understand.... but it is just me...

Of cause I dun want the bad news...
but if it is the truth, I would want to know it first hand...

Being a freaking pesimist...
I came up with lots of ending just like a director...

at times it is just so hard to get by...

Fighting back all the urges...
Feeling lost and helpless always like a crying baby...

I sure hope it is all just my imagination and that what I've read are not true...

what's the truth then?

Lol... am sick once again...

This time round it is really one of the worst that I ever had.

God must be punishing me for being rebellious during last Saturday when I left my house for the first time at 11.30pm to go to Thomas house to stay over. Instead of going home straight in the morning, I hang out at jun's house until 3pm when we met pok for a movie .
Haha great show, but it all comes with a price for being havoc I guess...
(even though i keep mentioning about god, i dun believe in it but rather may be just an upper figure for my to blame and throw all the responsiblilty to him/she lol)

Was not feeling really well when i reached home 8pm, was having slight headach and felt rather chilling. Things got worst when I kept feeling really kinda but I still ate somemore snacks...
That nite was horrible I thought, slept with my blanket covering my entire body cause I was shivering like mad and sweating at the same time. But that was rather fine after what I had experience the next nite.

Monday morning, still feeling kinda aching. I decided to skip work for a day and visit the doctor as i did have a fever and kept feeling really blotted and full.
It was all fine even during my visit to the doctor. He checked me, left, right, down and up to see what would caused my fever but found none. It was after the checked 'centre' my stomach that he realised what was the problem. My stomach obviously giving of weird sound that tells the doctor it was very active.

He told me I would have diarrhoea real soon and I did not believe him, cause I just shitted in the morning and it was all fine, normal.
My beloved brother made a comment just then saying something about, "THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM".
I was thinking he was being lame once again and ignored that too...

I paid the price in full, or should say plus interest for my ignorance...
Godly, my brother was so darn right... just about 7pm monday nite, i experience the storm first hand...
It was nitemare, my stomach started chuning like a washing machine...
and started to go to toilet at an hour interval and stayed in toilet for 20-30mins or so each session...

So for the past two days i practically lived in the toilet just like someone suggested I should do... lol...

For now, the fever is gone and stop vomiting but still keep on diarrhoea...
can do nth, not even play games cause my butt hurts like hell. Had to eat plain porriage and salted vege lol...
Worst, I could not work to earn money and I still have to spend money to see doctor...
Tian li he zai????????

haha... remembered the last time when I had this same illiness it was during secondary 2...
See it is so terrible that i could still remember it...
I had MC a few days but still went to sch after that, and still continue to have diarrhoea in sch for the next 3 days I think...
That time was so bad that I slim down to 68kg i think... and I even took our secondary school class photo. That's the reason why I look so pale in it and rather good looking cause I slimmed down >.<

The after effect was that I ate alot to regain back but ate too much I guess and grew real fat...

Hope this time round I can control... if i recover...

At the verge of recovering now, my stomach does not hurt any longer but my butt is real sore... as if I have been butt rape countless of times...
( that does not mean I have been butt rape or it is how it feels like, but just how I feel it would be like... >.<)

Even sitting down is a major problem...

Sorry for this disgusting post... cause I really have nth to do and bored at home.... JX2 server under maintenance again...

P.s: I dun understand why my diarrhoea is white in colour with the smell of protein...

You have not idea how happy you have made me...

^_^

I am out of my mind...

Been inside me for a very long time and i just bleah everything out...

Call me dead... cause I am dead... I might as well be dead...
Scared to hell sia... but I did it again...

I thought it is rather clear cut and simple... but it is not...

what else to do... to make myself happy...
(god i hate the gloomy face of mine... even long time no see friends thought that i am fierce...)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Found a job... oh yeah! a job... finally can have a reason to step out of the house... but there goes my holiday...

$6.5 per hr mon-fri 9-6pm...
gees... i will be working my ass off...

perhaps it will help to clear things off my mind... really wished and thought about too much things lately...

I need an answer...

any kind will do...

to subdue my raging flame...

to revive my dying soul...

Xin hao luan... lol...

As much as I really want something to happen between us...
That's not how she sees it?

Am I jumping to conclusion or making myself one?

Lying to myself once again?

So much to tell... not sure if she wants to hear it...

one thing for sure and its the fact for all I know now...

I heart her so much, so much... but we are just friends...

Back to realilty...

Tomorrow she starts sch... lol... gambate!€

Surpressing my heart...

Vacuum all the air out...

The fear of rejection...

Afraid the verdict of death sentence...

Thats the only reason my stops my from entering the court,

to defend my stand.

Afraid that her evidence may be vaild.

I plead guilty.

As I hope for a second chance...

A chance to redeem...

To live again...

To love again...

Love you...

It's nice to see everyone again... lol... ( though not everyone was there...)

All look fine and happy, great with their life...

But somehow I feel like weird... like I do not know them at all... (thou I do know them lol...)

Happy birthday Hafiz...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I....

hahaha... hai...

what is the freaking problem with me...

I am...

Xiang de tong dan shi hai shi hen nan jie shou?

Beating and trembling...

Stops and pauses...

Acid covers...

My heart?

Picturing and dreaming...

Guesses and wonders...

War occurs..

My mind?

Pathetic Me...

T.T

Am contented bah...

I have some doubts but even it is all a dream, it is a good dream...

Finally finished FMA? ( lol can finally return it to pok after more then a year )

Guess things could nv be too perfect to me, as I have to be sick today... gosh~ keep sneezing non-stop...
Really shitty... of all the days I have to be sick when I'm with her...

I duno what's up with me... And I know I need a job badly...
Firstly finacial crisis? (no income but output alot...)
To freaking kill time...

She seems really troubled... but she doesn't seems to want to talk abt it...
Hope that she's okay... =/

Haha... really got things want to tell her but not sure if she has to mood to listen to me... or she want to hear stuff about it...
My thoughts are contridicting myself big time...

I still think the "poem" if it can be consided as one to be very beautiful...

Hear my plead,
my heart bleed.
With your ear,
splashing of tear.
Questions of so?
Answered with soul.
Hear me out,
wide and loud.
Misses you much,
be my dear?
With me march,
with no fear.

-NSY

it's for her bah...
Lots of meaning inside duno who could understand it...

I swear I was really about to sleep this time round...

But here I am...

I am starting to get real bored at home, starting to feel sick!

Not the illness kind but rather 'sick and tired'... KAN SIANZ!!!

I guess I am sort of at my limit, at home I could feel really dizzy and feels like want to vomit...
( haha maybe i suffocate myself in my room...)

I finally get the green light to work...
Cause my dad finally gave up with me I think, he sort of realise that this is not the way for me either. Though he have plans for me not to waste time but to constantly upgrade myself by learning new stuff. I disappoint him once again...

Couping up in my room for almost 2months now? I still got no idea what to do with my life but rot and relax...
I am indeed relax enough, but not re-energize as I am really having very little hrs of sleep...

I am at a stage that even games cannot satisfy me...
-JX2
-C&C3
-PS2,PS3
-Civilization 4
-PSP

god... I've got countless of games to play and believe it or not, now that I have all the time in the world, I am not playing them... (remembering those times I was having a paper the next day, I still die die want to chiong a dota match at least even I barely have less then 8hrs to prepare for the paper.)
Yearn to complete them but no mood to play...

They are fun but I feel empty playing them cause they are no longer my top priority in life any longer, if fact I could do without them...

Since it is the starting of april! Really time to get my life back on track! by doing the following:

-Getting a job...
First of all I really need to kill time! And it is better to do something and earn money. But that's not important. What I want is that maybe I could meet new people to widen my social circle? lol...
And I learn that when I get really busy in a job it has the best numbing effect even compared to playing games. Just like a stronger dose of drug... Stops me from thinking haha...

So who ever have a job introduce me plz... I am a good worker! (>.<)

-Exercising
Training myself? cause I am fat? lol... I really want to lose some major weight to be at least 70kg... though my target is 68? but all those can leave till when I enter army bah... But by June I must be at least 74kg...

-Enhance myself...
Time for real hobbies to come into play... piano, guitar, more story books, etc... My parents really want the best for me and I know it is the best options... They always plan the stuff ahead for me guiding me to the best... Like now they see me holiday, they allow me to work but not to work those jobs auntie also can do... (those kind of jobs will not want to hire temp staff to do!) And they want me to study, english, chinese... BUT WHO THE HELL STUDIES NOW? I FREAKING GRADUATED! (even when schooling, I also dun really study lar!) I know it is the best, but I am not following it does that means I dun want the best? That's why it is hard to argue with my parents about what I want and what I desire cause it is always the immature, unrealistic ideas... (it is like the one who could have choose Cindy Lam but choose Ba Gua instead) >.< think ="D">.<

I realised and believed..

All because I have negative confidence in myself...

And not the other reasons...

That's why I so freaking hate myself...

What is the difference of not sleepy and sleep at around 5am compared with Isomia and sleep at around 5am....

Simple, the initial is where one slept too much during the day and hyper during the nite... The later is one is really freaking tired but cannot sleep cause kept thinking of stuff, keep tossing around and sitting up on bed...

My parents dun understand basic things like that and keep insisting there is something wrong with my life style...

Ah fark it...
I just want to blear everything out in my mind so perhaps I could finally sleep or maybe it will make me think even more...

Am I crazy? or perhaps I am just too free...
things and events just keep flashing across my mind...

About my life, my past, my character, my weird way of handling my own problems and her...

welcome to my real inside news of Si Yan's biography... lol...

19, turning 20 this year...
lots of things happen, some happiness, some sadness, lots of regrets, plenty of tears...

My mother was just telling me I do not cry much during my birth but i seriously believe is cause my tear gland have not open?
Cause I cry a lot, easily, at the slightest things during my growing up...
Watching movies about how people got bastard in a relationship, I will feel really sorrow inside and the tears just flow at time just like a girl? but my mom is way worst lol...

A person with no confidence at all with himself, I really wonder how I grew up...
Thus I always keep doubting about myself, about other people while mostly 80% of the time I just worry to much...
And if I ever look confident it is cause I am really comfortable or I know myself or 65% I am just faking it to act strong...

Man of my size, timid as mouse? I fucking hate creatures with more then 4 legs or no legs at all... detest and even afraid of them...
Gives me the creeps especially cockroaches...

I am easily to be in love...
and I do really remember all those girl I ever liked before...
my first crush is during age 3 to 4 years old? I can still remember her name... "Joyce" at a childcare centre... I even told her I like her and I am competing with someone else who also said he likes her...
I had confidence then... (haha... god knows I won the cutest award there...)

Primary 1 and 2 at qihua primary...
I noticed a girl whose most beautiful in the class a malaysian, had crush on her... even flirt with her for all I can remember... her name was "Genin or Genine" but i always remember her as 'Genie' minus the 'ny' sound put in the 'in' sound...

Had my so called "first" girl friend then too... sadly I do not like her at all, although she was cute but real tan and standing less than 1meters tall at that time... I always remember the teacher used the 1meter wooden ruler used on the blackboard to put it beside her... she was shorter then it...
How we begain? she gave me a stack of fulscape paper one day about 3 to 4 booklets thick I think cause I said I wanted some I think...
Then rumours started that she was my girlfriend that she liked me... I will always remember her brother... he was primary 3 then and I was really afraid of him that he will bash me up or something if I dun treat her sister well...

Primary 3 to 6 at Chongfu primary...
Was really keen of building up an image cause of a new environment... afraid of being bully I think we bully other people first...
She was there like an angel to me at that time... but now to think of it she is really pretty but not that pretty also... but I know why I liked her then and had a real crush on her...
Her name was "Si Ming" or "Shi Ming" either one... but should be the first one...
She was frail looking, always sick and pale... That look really made me want to protect her and take care of her... looking at her made me smile.
There was a farking hongkong-er who also liked her and that make me hate him alot...

Secondary school...
At every stage change of my life, I always got really mixed up and confused cause those girl I ever liked, I do like them alot... but I nv woo them... nv tell them I actually like them...

The environment had changed... but I still like girls and that fact never change? From then I learn the word 'gay' I know I am straight for life...
No longer could boss around or pick up fights... My life change from this point onwards 360 degress... I learn to think of the consequence before act cause mainly my mother was around and I dun want any trouble for her and myself...

Learn to endure... at the hashes things and cries at home... god I was funny then...
I had crushes on a handful of girl but it is always one after another and never more at the same time except 3 cases I think...
- One, I got to know her quite well and perhaps was rather confused...
- The other one just love at first sight?
- Was liking her to forget someone...

Hahaa... now to think of it, I really had crush on quite a number of girls...
Sec 1 & 2 there are 3?
Sec 3 & 4 there are 3?

but all together it is just 5 girls i think... yeah that makes a handful...

Polytechnic...
This was a crappy stage for me... but my heart never stops liking?
Had a crush on just one other girl... whom I known during polytechnic... had a super small rumour that she like me too but being pessimistic I still thinks that my friends are making fun of me...
And in the end... she had a bf lol... end of story...

And there was "her" my only love...

Conclusion...
Trends that are observed...
-all the girl I ever like serve a big part of my life as they are part of my motivation in my entire life up till now...
To strive and study hard for her...
To do this for her, because of her I am doing this...
To finish this for her... ending something perfect for her...

These are the thoughts that runs through my brain while I was doing something hard or needed encouragement and support...

-My confidence level in myself decreases as the girl changes... just keep losing hope I think...

-Expressed my feelings to two girl only out of so many...

-Just wooed one to be my girl friend...

-Am I abnormal? or am I Crazy?

Hear my plead,

my heart bleed.

With your ear,

splashes of tear.

Questions of so?

Answered with soul.

Hear me out,

wide and loud.

Misses you much,

be my dear?

With me march,

with no fear.

Believe it or not today up till 9.30pm is really one incredible peaceful moment...

Heart desire is fulfilled?
Even I myself got surprised...

Lots of thoughts as usual, wanted to expressed out loud...
But moments like this are just too rare?
I can't bare to ruin it cause of my selfish means...

I treasured every second... really...

Just having her with me makes me contented, it is the best thing that happen to me in a very long time, who could understand? my parents? hahahaa...

I thanked her for the day, ironically she thanked me too... (but i think our thanks holds different meanings...)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.30pm...
I reached home, been out with jun to buy router and glad for his company also...

Either is muscle crap or gastric I could not tell the difference but it was one of the hell 45min ride home...

Rushed home to drink milk when my brother called using house phone when I was already at home...
Tea session...

Tea session, accompany parents session, gathering session, lecturing session
which is which? Just combine everything...

I am sorry for having gastric at this point of time, is that my freaking fault? Yes it is... so what?
Instead of 'caring' my parents sure have their own unique way of showing their love...

By nagging...

That's just so great isn't it? I really want to see my parents to sit down and chat with them nicely and there they go firing their M16 at me...

It the same old stuff, I do not know how to take care of myself... I do not eat regular meals, should be more responsible in help out the house, should make full good use of my time, should learn something useful....

God!!! ( and if anyone realise, it is all should...)

If they say there is a generation gap, I say it is because my parents never really sit down to listen but rather always kept drilling me with their point of view of how to live life...

First of all, what make them think that I have been doing nth at all? and they keep using should... sometimes even trying is not good enough for them... I must do whatever they expect...
To make them happy, and proud to have me as a son?
I want them to be happy cause they are my parents and I love them... so I tried to do the things they ask... but they never know cause they are never around...

I tried to convey to them youngster thinking, "my" thinking if it is of any importance to them...
But they just kept covering my fire with their sand... and I MUST do sand... that's the only way that's ever gonna make me succeeds in life...

People envy me, I know I am fortunate to be living under a sliver spoon... but really every coin has two sides...

Criticism, Jealousy, Expectations, Accusations... ( this I seriously believe no one can understand...)

It is never what I want or how I want to live my life but rather how my parents wants me to be...
I dun want to be rebellious, I am a good boy...
Tried the soft method it does not work naturally it comes to the hard method what...

They make me feel like a sinner, being rude to them, trying to hold my stand against their wishes...
And the worst of all is they saying, "fine you dun want us to care for you right? fine... we will not care about you!" and there my mom goes to like a week not talking to me, completely ignoring my existence...
How much that hurt me do anyone know? all I want is to do the things I like...
Always ended up apologising thou I dun really mean it just to end the cold war...

They say stuff like they are failure parents but I totally disagrees... They provided with all the basic needs plus alots of extra...
They are the best parents to me...
But from young they have been working from 6am-6pm... I dun really spent much qualilty time with them...

Am I bad?
But I want to do all the things I desire...
Thing I double my parents will ever understand and even if asked them, they know none of it...
Examples are:
- I want to break free and grow up... I am 20 for god sake...
- I dun want to freaking study now lar... who the hell study now? I just farking graduate!!!

everyone has their own share of problems... this is mine... it is not the worst of all scenarios, but it could really have been better...

Wo you hao duo hua xiang dui ni shuo...

Ni yuan yi ting ma?

Qu li jie, liang jie wo mah?

Hao duo hua chang zai xin li...

Crap...

can't sleep again...

still thinking.... and having slight headach now due to all these sleepless nights I think...

Anyway...
Just thought of something...

I am always against girls wearing makeup...
especially those that are already pretty but due to the make up they put on themselves made them look worst... (ironic?)

But then again there are two sides to everything... some of them dun put make up is like guys not styling their hair when they go out... (horrible)-----> [ but of coz that applies to those that needed to put makeup and style their hair lar]

At some occasions, girls put on makeup really enhance their beauty and make them really look gorgous. Occasions and events like Dinner and Dance... gosh some girls really like babe dolls and cinderalla... (and I got photo to prove..)

So it depends...
Those know me well know that I do not like girls wearing make up... cause for the very simple reason "natural = beauty"
But there is one make up that I find my self really attacted to cause of someone...
That is girls wearing lip gloss (hope I spelled right).

Lip gloss is a miracle invention I think cause they can convert a normal lips which looks dry at times to still dry lips but look watery...

That watery effect is as though it make the lips super kissable... (not as to really must kiss)
What I trying to say that it really work nicely on girls...

Bad part about it is that... though it makes the lips look watery, it is not watery at all haha... infact it is kinda sticky... (so that makes it unkissable though it seems really kissable...)

But still pretty bah... that's my point... lol...

Thoughts like this keep hovering around my mind... I really can't sleep...

Need me to spell it out for you?

You should know right?

By now...

It's 3.40am....

I can't bloody hell sleep~ AGRHHHH

Every.... everytime I close my eyes I have to think...
It lingers in my mind pestering me...
My regrets....

Sweet memories, Sad moments...
I have to go through a flash back almost every night and it is really getting tormenting...

I can't sleep...

Hearing my uncle's pickup passes by everyday around this time to go to market to sell chicken...
How many night has it been?

can this be cured? I want back my sleep... >.< align="center">Heartaches...

am bored...

lonely...

Kinda disappointed...

In fact very? lol... just been waiting for it almost a week...

But shit happens I guess... and always happens to me...

It is worst for her... she's sick...

I blame u god... (retribution for not believing in any i think)

Repay me by making her well asap...

"Thursday"... Gosh...

If caring = Kapo/busybody then love would be equals to irritation.

Hell long have i blogged and many things had happen will summarise it.

An A for my industrial attachment, that greatly pulls up my GPA to 3.053... (Glimes of hope to enter local Uni?)
I was really hopping for this result as I felt that I indeed put in alot of effort. That day I screw up my final presentation, I was really down... but at the day I know my results, I could not sleep the entire night.

What have I been doing?
God, that question is something I want to know too.
Been sleeping and playing games all day long, pratically 24/7 rotting my life away.
My life is a mess.. cause my body can no longer tell the difference between morning and night time.
It gets tired at about 6-7am and wakes up at about 1-3pm. it is super screwed up.

Currently awaiting for NS, no one will want to hire a temp staff like me. So I am jobless with no income.

Dinner and Dance...
It was a memorial night, as it was the first time I ever experience such a event of my own reasons..(dun think anyone can understand >.<)

The MC is lame, the games are lame, food is good but very few chances to eat due to time constrain. But it was fun as it was the final gathering for my poly life.
I won a passport size photo frame which is pink in colour that says "I love you 4ever" and it cost $1.95.
They did not even bother to take out the price tags.

People from my course side barely less than 20 people attended while the other side had over 60+ so that night we were pratically overwhelmed.
I was really surprise that night, for the past 3 years I did not realise there were handful of really pretty girls over at the other side until then. ( haha... may I am so blind I did not see them before...)

After the event we went Kbox to sing as it been a while we all had sing together. I really love singing, no matter if it is chinese songs or english songs but I had a few serious problems.
First of all, when singing chinese songs, I at time could not read the characters thus I duno how to pronounce it.
Then again, when choosing songs... I know alot of songs but I do not know the songs titles or sang by which artise thus I could not pick my songs.
Lastly, I really hopped my voice do not sound terrible as to torture those that is in the room with me cause I really could never hear my voice.
That night was the first time I drank beer and sang at them same time, gosh it is really work wonders as it really clears up my throat. (But I still hope I did not sound too bad)

Dreams...
My dream are getting more real each day...
I always thought dreams are related do what we do in the day... But it seems so real, so nice but at times also very sad...

It could be so realistic that I wake up really sad... Or I never wish I never want to wake up cause it is the only time I get to see her...

Though mostly I wake up not knowing what I dreamt about.. It is really the factor in making my day a happy one or a sad one.

Controlling dreams is one freaking fun think to do...

I am dreaming...

I am writing this post cause the server of JX2 is down and it will be back up in 4mins time there for ciaoz...

If I only I have a time machine, I could have kept my weather machine...

6th march again...

To think of it if everything's well, Happy anniversary...

Silly aren't I?

I no longer have the courage...

Failure...

Deep down inside me...

Missing her...

Why?

One evening just after a day's of tiring work, a lady bought herself a newspaper and a packet of famous Amos cookies and went to the park near by to relax.

"What a day!" she thought grumbling to herself as for the past 15mins she could not find an empty bench to rest her worn out legs and to read her newspaper.

She was really mad at her luck and when she was just about to head home, suddenly just right in front of her, a guy stood up and left. What's left on the bench was an old man reading a adult magazine.

"Gross!" was the word that flashed through her head.

"typical tiko pei" she mumbled and sweared, "curse my luck"

As it is obviously the only available seat left and if she goes home right now, she will be facing the cold walls of her house all by herself. She accepted her fate and sat down.

Warmth was felt instantly as she sat down and that felt rather good in the cold chilling night.

"Gosh, why can't it be the old man that left the beach and it was the guy that is left sitting on the bench? Oh! what the hell" she thought and whined to herself.

Feeling hungry, she opened her packet of cookies and started eat a piece as she update herself to what is happening to the world around her.

To her surprise, one she started eating, the old man started to take a piece from her packet of cookies too!

" What ill manners! fuck it agrr as if my day has not been worsen enough, now I have to share my dinner with some old man". Glaring hard at the old man.

But looking at the age of that guy, he was about 65 to 75 and decided not to pursue the matter and let it rest after all it is just a piece.

Moments later, she took another piece to eat, the old man did the same as though mimicking her action.

" Freak fine, have another piece if u want! perhaps he is just hungry and he is after all an old man." Consoling herself.

This continues for the next hour and she just dreaded her day/luck even more as the moment passes. Trying real hard to be as optimistic as possible though each time that pervertic old man
takes one of her cookies and munching it without having her concences, she really felt like giving the old man a tight slap or telling the old man off.

Finally it was down to the last piece of cookie and she was just half way done with her newspaper. Knowing that it was the last piece, she really want to see how the old man would react as in would he be so thick skinned and take the very last piece of the cookie.

Waiting, waiting but strangly there was no movement from the old man. To the very last page of her news paper, she gives up and was about to end her reading session and getting the hell out of there, the old man strikes.

The only difference is that this time round, the old man broke the cookies into half and took the other half and left the bench.

Being dumb founded, the lady stood at the bench not believing that there is actually such a person exisiting in the world.

Finished her newspaper, she headed to the nearest MRT station to get back home. In between, she kept wondering why she had let the old man have his ways and not teach him a lession.

To end her miserable day, gods played a final trick on her. She could not find her easylink card anywhere and she started to dig her hand bag for it. And it all the mist of her panic, she found a packet of famous Amos cookies in her bag exactly like the one she had eatten just now.

She realise the truth...

I guessed I am forgotten...

But she will always have a place in my heart.