Simple, the initial is where one slept too much during the day and hyper during the nite... The later is one is really freaking tired but cannot sleep cause kept thinking of stuff, keep tossing around and sitting up on bed...
My parents dun understand basic things like that and keep insisting there is something wrong with my life style...
Ah fark it...
I just want to blear everything out in my mind so perhaps I could finally sleep or maybe it will make me think even more...
Am I crazy? or perhaps I am just too free...
things and events just keep flashing across my mind...
About my life, my past, my character, my weird way of handling my own problems and her...
welcome to my real inside news of Si Yan's biography... lol...
19, turning 20 this year...
lots of things happen, some happiness, some sadness, lots of regrets, plenty of tears...
My mother was just telling me I do not cry much during my birth but i seriously believe is cause my tear gland have not open?
Cause I cry a lot, easily, at the slightest things during my growing up...
Watching movies about how people got bastard in a relationship, I will feel really sorrow inside and the tears just flow at time just like a girl? but my mom is way worst lol...
A person with no confidence at all with himself, I really wonder how I grew up...
Thus I always keep doubting about myself, about other people while mostly 80% of the time I just worry to much...
And if I ever look confident it is cause I am really comfortable or I know myself or 65% I am just faking it to act strong...
Man of my size, timid as mouse? I fucking hate creatures with more then 4 legs or no legs at all... detest and even afraid of them...
Gives me the creeps especially cockroaches...
I am easily to be in love...
and I do really remember all those girl I ever liked before...
my first crush is during age 3 to 4 years old? I can still remember her name... "Joyce" at a childcare centre... I even told her I like her and I am competing with someone else who also said he likes her...
I had confidence then... (haha... god knows I won the cutest award there...)
Primary 1 and 2 at qihua primary...
I noticed a girl whose most beautiful in the class a malaysian, had crush on her... even flirt with her for all I can remember... her name was "Genin or Genine" but i always remember her as 'Genie' minus the 'ny' sound put in the 'in' sound...
Had my so called "first" girl friend then too... sadly I do not like her at all, although she was cute but real tan and standing less than 1meters tall at that time... I always remember the teacher used the 1meter wooden ruler used on the blackboard to put it beside her... she was shorter then it...
How we begain? she gave me a stack of fulscape paper one day about 3 to 4 booklets thick I think cause I said I wanted some I think...
Then rumours started that she was my girlfriend that she liked me... I will always remember her brother... he was primary 3 then and I was really afraid of him that he will bash me up or something if I dun treat her sister well...
Primary 3 to 6 at Chongfu primary...
Was really keen of building up an image cause of a new environment... afraid of being bully I think we bully other people first...
She was there like an angel to me at that time... but now to think of it she is really pretty but not that pretty also... but I know why I liked her then and had a real crush on her...
Her name was "Si Ming" or "Shi Ming" either one... but should be the first one...
She was frail looking, always sick and pale... That look really made me want to protect her and take care of her... looking at her made me smile.
There was a farking hongkong-er who also liked her and that make me hate him alot...
Secondary school...
At every stage change of my life, I always got really mixed up and confused cause those girl I ever liked, I do like them alot... but I nv woo them... nv tell them I actually like them...
The environment had changed... but I still like girls and that fact never change? From then I learn the word 'gay' I know I am straight for life...
No longer could boss around or pick up fights... My life change from this point onwards 360 degress... I learn to think of the consequence before act cause mainly my mother was around and I dun want any trouble for her and myself...
Learn to endure... at the hashes things and cries at home... god I was funny then...
I had crushes on a handful of girl but it is always one after another and never more at the same time except 3 cases I think...
- One, I got to know her quite well and perhaps was rather confused...
- The other one just love at first sight?
- Was liking her to forget someone...
Hahaa... now to think of it, I really had crush on quite a number of girls...
Sec 1 & 2 there are 3?
Sec 3 & 4 there are 3?
but all together it is just 5 girls i think... yeah that makes a handful...
Polytechnic...
This was a crappy stage for me... but my heart never stops liking?
Had a crush on just one other girl... whom I known during polytechnic... had a super small rumour that she like me too but being pessimistic I still thinks that my friends are making fun of me...
And in the end... she had a bf lol... end of story...
And there was "her" my only love...
Conclusion...
Trends that are observed...
-all the girl I ever like serve a big part of my life as they are part of my motivation in my entire life up till now...
To strive and study hard for her...
To do this for her, because of her I am doing this...
To finish this for her... ending something perfect for her...
These are the thoughts that runs through my brain while I was doing something hard or needed encouragement and support...
-My confidence level in myself decreases as the girl changes... just keep losing hope I think...
-Expressed my feelings to two girl only out of so many...
-Just wooed one to be my girl friend...
-Am I abnormal? or am I Crazy?
Hear my plead,
my heart bleed.
With your ear,
splashes of tear.
Questions of so?
Answered with soul.
Hear me out,
wide and loud.
Misses you much,
be my dear?
With me march,
with no fear.
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