I swear I was really about to sleep this time round...

But here I am...

I am starting to get real bored at home, starting to feel sick!

Not the illness kind but rather 'sick and tired'... KAN SIANZ!!!

I guess I am sort of at my limit, at home I could feel really dizzy and feels like want to vomit...
( haha maybe i suffocate myself in my room...)

I finally get the green light to work...
Cause my dad finally gave up with me I think, he sort of realise that this is not the way for me either. Though he have plans for me not to waste time but to constantly upgrade myself by learning new stuff. I disappoint him once again...

Couping up in my room for almost 2months now? I still got no idea what to do with my life but rot and relax...
I am indeed relax enough, but not re-energize as I am really having very little hrs of sleep...

I am at a stage that even games cannot satisfy me...
-JX2
-C&C3
-PS2,PS3
-Civilization 4
-PSP

god... I've got countless of games to play and believe it or not, now that I have all the time in the world, I am not playing them... (remembering those times I was having a paper the next day, I still die die want to chiong a dota match at least even I barely have less then 8hrs to prepare for the paper.)
Yearn to complete them but no mood to play...

They are fun but I feel empty playing them cause they are no longer my top priority in life any longer, if fact I could do without them...

Since it is the starting of april! Really time to get my life back on track! by doing the following:

-Getting a job...
First of all I really need to kill time! And it is better to do something and earn money. But that's not important. What I want is that maybe I could meet new people to widen my social circle? lol...
And I learn that when I get really busy in a job it has the best numbing effect even compared to playing games. Just like a stronger dose of drug... Stops me from thinking haha...

So who ever have a job introduce me plz... I am a good worker! (>.<)

-Exercising
Training myself? cause I am fat? lol... I really want to lose some major weight to be at least 70kg... though my target is 68? but all those can leave till when I enter army bah... But by June I must be at least 74kg...

-Enhance myself...
Time for real hobbies to come into play... piano, guitar, more story books, etc... My parents really want the best for me and I know it is the best options... They always plan the stuff ahead for me guiding me to the best... Like now they see me holiday, they allow me to work but not to work those jobs auntie also can do... (those kind of jobs will not want to hire temp staff to do!) And they want me to study, english, chinese... BUT WHO THE HELL STUDIES NOW? I FREAKING GRADUATED! (even when schooling, I also dun really study lar!) I know it is the best, but I am not following it does that means I dun want the best? That's why it is hard to argue with my parents about what I want and what I desire cause it is always the immature, unrealistic ideas... (it is like the one who could have choose Cindy Lam but choose Ba Gua instead) >.< think ="D">.<

I realised and believed..

All because I have negative confidence in myself...

And not the other reasons...

That's why I so freaking hate myself...

What is the difference of not sleepy and sleep at around 5am compared with Isomia and sleep at around 5am....

Simple, the initial is where one slept too much during the day and hyper during the nite... The later is one is really freaking tired but cannot sleep cause kept thinking of stuff, keep tossing around and sitting up on bed...

My parents dun understand basic things like that and keep insisting there is something wrong with my life style...

Ah fark it...
I just want to blear everything out in my mind so perhaps I could finally sleep or maybe it will make me think even more...

Am I crazy? or perhaps I am just too free...
things and events just keep flashing across my mind...

About my life, my past, my character, my weird way of handling my own problems and her...

welcome to my real inside news of Si Yan's biography... lol...

19, turning 20 this year...
lots of things happen, some happiness, some sadness, lots of regrets, plenty of tears...

My mother was just telling me I do not cry much during my birth but i seriously believe is cause my tear gland have not open?
Cause I cry a lot, easily, at the slightest things during my growing up...
Watching movies about how people got bastard in a relationship, I will feel really sorrow inside and the tears just flow at time just like a girl? but my mom is way worst lol...

A person with no confidence at all with himself, I really wonder how I grew up...
Thus I always keep doubting about myself, about other people while mostly 80% of the time I just worry to much...
And if I ever look confident it is cause I am really comfortable or I know myself or 65% I am just faking it to act strong...

Man of my size, timid as mouse? I fucking hate creatures with more then 4 legs or no legs at all... detest and even afraid of them...
Gives me the creeps especially cockroaches...

I am easily to be in love...
and I do really remember all those girl I ever liked before...
my first crush is during age 3 to 4 years old? I can still remember her name... "Joyce" at a childcare centre... I even told her I like her and I am competing with someone else who also said he likes her...
I had confidence then... (haha... god knows I won the cutest award there...)

Primary 1 and 2 at qihua primary...
I noticed a girl whose most beautiful in the class a malaysian, had crush on her... even flirt with her for all I can remember... her name was "Genin or Genine" but i always remember her as 'Genie' minus the 'ny' sound put in the 'in' sound...

Had my so called "first" girl friend then too... sadly I do not like her at all, although she was cute but real tan and standing less than 1meters tall at that time... I always remember the teacher used the 1meter wooden ruler used on the blackboard to put it beside her... she was shorter then it...
How we begain? she gave me a stack of fulscape paper one day about 3 to 4 booklets thick I think cause I said I wanted some I think...
Then rumours started that she was my girlfriend that she liked me... I will always remember her brother... he was primary 3 then and I was really afraid of him that he will bash me up or something if I dun treat her sister well...

Primary 3 to 6 at Chongfu primary...
Was really keen of building up an image cause of a new environment... afraid of being bully I think we bully other people first...
She was there like an angel to me at that time... but now to think of it she is really pretty but not that pretty also... but I know why I liked her then and had a real crush on her...
Her name was "Si Ming" or "Shi Ming" either one... but should be the first one...
She was frail looking, always sick and pale... That look really made me want to protect her and take care of her... looking at her made me smile.
There was a farking hongkong-er who also liked her and that make me hate him alot...

Secondary school...
At every stage change of my life, I always got really mixed up and confused cause those girl I ever liked, I do like them alot... but I nv woo them... nv tell them I actually like them...

The environment had changed... but I still like girls and that fact never change? From then I learn the word 'gay' I know I am straight for life...
No longer could boss around or pick up fights... My life change from this point onwards 360 degress... I learn to think of the consequence before act cause mainly my mother was around and I dun want any trouble for her and myself...

Learn to endure... at the hashes things and cries at home... god I was funny then...
I had crushes on a handful of girl but it is always one after another and never more at the same time except 3 cases I think...
- One, I got to know her quite well and perhaps was rather confused...
- The other one just love at first sight?
- Was liking her to forget someone...

Hahaa... now to think of it, I really had crush on quite a number of girls...
Sec 1 & 2 there are 3?
Sec 3 & 4 there are 3?

but all together it is just 5 girls i think... yeah that makes a handful...

Polytechnic...
This was a crappy stage for me... but my heart never stops liking?
Had a crush on just one other girl... whom I known during polytechnic... had a super small rumour that she like me too but being pessimistic I still thinks that my friends are making fun of me...
And in the end... she had a bf lol... end of story...

And there was "her" my only love...

Conclusion...
Trends that are observed...
-all the girl I ever like serve a big part of my life as they are part of my motivation in my entire life up till now...
To strive and study hard for her...
To do this for her, because of her I am doing this...
To finish this for her... ending something perfect for her...

These are the thoughts that runs through my brain while I was doing something hard or needed encouragement and support...

-My confidence level in myself decreases as the girl changes... just keep losing hope I think...

-Expressed my feelings to two girl only out of so many...

-Just wooed one to be my girl friend...

-Am I abnormal? or am I Crazy?

Hear my plead,

my heart bleed.

With your ear,

splashes of tear.

Questions of so?

Answered with soul.

Hear me out,

wide and loud.

Misses you much,

be my dear?

With me march,

with no fear.

Believe it or not today up till 9.30pm is really one incredible peaceful moment...

Heart desire is fulfilled?
Even I myself got surprised...

Lots of thoughts as usual, wanted to expressed out loud...
But moments like this are just too rare?
I can't bare to ruin it cause of my selfish means...

I treasured every second... really...

Just having her with me makes me contented, it is the best thing that happen to me in a very long time, who could understand? my parents? hahahaa...

I thanked her for the day, ironically she thanked me too... (but i think our thanks holds different meanings...)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.30pm...
I reached home, been out with jun to buy router and glad for his company also...

Either is muscle crap or gastric I could not tell the difference but it was one of the hell 45min ride home...

Rushed home to drink milk when my brother called using house phone when I was already at home...
Tea session...

Tea session, accompany parents session, gathering session, lecturing session
which is which? Just combine everything...

I am sorry for having gastric at this point of time, is that my freaking fault? Yes it is... so what?
Instead of 'caring' my parents sure have their own unique way of showing their love...

By nagging...

That's just so great isn't it? I really want to see my parents to sit down and chat with them nicely and there they go firing their M16 at me...

It the same old stuff, I do not know how to take care of myself... I do not eat regular meals, should be more responsible in help out the house, should make full good use of my time, should learn something useful....

God!!! ( and if anyone realise, it is all should...)

If they say there is a generation gap, I say it is because my parents never really sit down to listen but rather always kept drilling me with their point of view of how to live life...

First of all, what make them think that I have been doing nth at all? and they keep using should... sometimes even trying is not good enough for them... I must do whatever they expect...
To make them happy, and proud to have me as a son?
I want them to be happy cause they are my parents and I love them... so I tried to do the things they ask... but they never know cause they are never around...

I tried to convey to them youngster thinking, "my" thinking if it is of any importance to them...
But they just kept covering my fire with their sand... and I MUST do sand... that's the only way that's ever gonna make me succeeds in life...

People envy me, I know I am fortunate to be living under a sliver spoon... but really every coin has two sides...

Criticism, Jealousy, Expectations, Accusations... ( this I seriously believe no one can understand...)

It is never what I want or how I want to live my life but rather how my parents wants me to be...
I dun want to be rebellious, I am a good boy...
Tried the soft method it does not work naturally it comes to the hard method what...

They make me feel like a sinner, being rude to them, trying to hold my stand against their wishes...
And the worst of all is they saying, "fine you dun want us to care for you right? fine... we will not care about you!" and there my mom goes to like a week not talking to me, completely ignoring my existence...
How much that hurt me do anyone know? all I want is to do the things I like...
Always ended up apologising thou I dun really mean it just to end the cold war...

They say stuff like they are failure parents but I totally disagrees... They provided with all the basic needs plus alots of extra...
They are the best parents to me...
But from young they have been working from 6am-6pm... I dun really spent much qualilty time with them...

Am I bad?
But I want to do all the things I desire...
Thing I double my parents will ever understand and even if asked them, they know none of it...
Examples are:
- I want to break free and grow up... I am 20 for god sake...
- I dun want to freaking study now lar... who the hell study now? I just farking graduate!!!

everyone has their own share of problems... this is mine... it is not the worst of all scenarios, but it could really have been better...

Wo you hao duo hua xiang dui ni shuo...

Ni yuan yi ting ma?

Qu li jie, liang jie wo mah?

Hao duo hua chang zai xin li...

Crap...

can't sleep again...

still thinking.... and having slight headach now due to all these sleepless nights I think...

Anyway...
Just thought of something...

I am always against girls wearing makeup...
especially those that are already pretty but due to the make up they put on themselves made them look worst... (ironic?)

But then again there are two sides to everything... some of them dun put make up is like guys not styling their hair when they go out... (horrible)-----> [ but of coz that applies to those that needed to put makeup and style their hair lar]

At some occasions, girls put on makeup really enhance their beauty and make them really look gorgous. Occasions and events like Dinner and Dance... gosh some girls really like babe dolls and cinderalla... (and I got photo to prove..)

So it depends...
Those know me well know that I do not like girls wearing make up... cause for the very simple reason "natural = beauty"
But there is one make up that I find my self really attacted to cause of someone...
That is girls wearing lip gloss (hope I spelled right).

Lip gloss is a miracle invention I think cause they can convert a normal lips which looks dry at times to still dry lips but look watery...

That watery effect is as though it make the lips super kissable... (not as to really must kiss)
What I trying to say that it really work nicely on girls...

Bad part about it is that... though it makes the lips look watery, it is not watery at all haha... infact it is kinda sticky... (so that makes it unkissable though it seems really kissable...)

But still pretty bah... that's my point... lol...

Thoughts like this keep hovering around my mind... I really can't sleep...

Need me to spell it out for you?

You should know right?

By now...

It's 3.40am....

I can't bloody hell sleep~ AGRHHHH

Every.... everytime I close my eyes I have to think...
It lingers in my mind pestering me...
My regrets....

Sweet memories, Sad moments...
I have to go through a flash back almost every night and it is really getting tormenting...

I can't sleep...

Hearing my uncle's pickup passes by everyday around this time to go to market to sell chicken...
How many night has it been?

can this be cured? I want back my sleep... >.< align="center">Heartaches...

am bored...

lonely...

Kinda disappointed...

In fact very? lol... just been waiting for it almost a week...

But shit happens I guess... and always happens to me...

It is worst for her... she's sick...

I blame u god... (retribution for not believing in any i think)

Repay me by making her well asap...

"Thursday"... Gosh...

If caring = Kapo/busybody then love would be equals to irritation.

Hell long have i blogged and many things had happen will summarise it.

An A for my industrial attachment, that greatly pulls up my GPA to 3.053... (Glimes of hope to enter local Uni?)
I was really hopping for this result as I felt that I indeed put in alot of effort. That day I screw up my final presentation, I was really down... but at the day I know my results, I could not sleep the entire night.

What have I been doing?
God, that question is something I want to know too.
Been sleeping and playing games all day long, pratically 24/7 rotting my life away.
My life is a mess.. cause my body can no longer tell the difference between morning and night time.
It gets tired at about 6-7am and wakes up at about 1-3pm. it is super screwed up.

Currently awaiting for NS, no one will want to hire a temp staff like me. So I am jobless with no income.

Dinner and Dance...
It was a memorial night, as it was the first time I ever experience such a event of my own reasons..(dun think anyone can understand >.<)

The MC is lame, the games are lame, food is good but very few chances to eat due to time constrain. But it was fun as it was the final gathering for my poly life.
I won a passport size photo frame which is pink in colour that says "I love you 4ever" and it cost $1.95.
They did not even bother to take out the price tags.

People from my course side barely less than 20 people attended while the other side had over 60+ so that night we were pratically overwhelmed.
I was really surprise that night, for the past 3 years I did not realise there were handful of really pretty girls over at the other side until then. ( haha... may I am so blind I did not see them before...)

After the event we went Kbox to sing as it been a while we all had sing together. I really love singing, no matter if it is chinese songs or english songs but I had a few serious problems.
First of all, when singing chinese songs, I at time could not read the characters thus I duno how to pronounce it.
Then again, when choosing songs... I know alot of songs but I do not know the songs titles or sang by which artise thus I could not pick my songs.
Lastly, I really hopped my voice do not sound terrible as to torture those that is in the room with me cause I really could never hear my voice.
That night was the first time I drank beer and sang at them same time, gosh it is really work wonders as it really clears up my throat. (But I still hope I did not sound too bad)

Dreams...
My dream are getting more real each day...
I always thought dreams are related do what we do in the day... But it seems so real, so nice but at times also very sad...

It could be so realistic that I wake up really sad... Or I never wish I never want to wake up cause it is the only time I get to see her...

Though mostly I wake up not knowing what I dreamt about.. It is really the factor in making my day a happy one or a sad one.

Controlling dreams is one freaking fun think to do...

I am dreaming...

I am writing this post cause the server of JX2 is down and it will be back up in 4mins time there for ciaoz...

If I only I have a time machine, I could have kept my weather machine...